I Stole A Pregnant Woman's Chair Today

Swiped it from her desk while she's away on maternity leave. (How low can I sink??? "Pond scum" comes to mind.)

I realized that I'd taken it when after the meeting was over, I didn't return it to her desk, but I wheeled it over to mine, and replaced her chair with mine!

"Am I stealing this woman's chair? Oh - my - God!! I'm stealing this woman's chair!"

It is SOOOO comfortable, and supportive, and sooo much better than my "old" chair.

In fact, when I was wheeling my chair over to her desk, I realized that my chair had a rip in the upholstery. A big-ass rip- right in the seat-cushion. Where the hell did they get my chair from, the dump?

My "new" chair is pristine. And it's leather- not some ripable cheap textile- oh no!

So, here's the downside to having a leather chair that's got good support: whenever you move around in it, like sliding to the other side of your desk to grab a file, it grabs your pants with just enough friction that it sounds like you're farting.

Now, in a cubicle setting, when someone makes a loud-ass fart sound, are you comforted by an immediate yelling of, "That was the chair, it wasn't me!"? Of course you aren't. No one would be. In fact, if it were me and you said it too quickly, it would make me wonder if you had really farted more than the sound alone.
(Me thinks the farter doth protest too much.)

So, there I sat all day with these intermittent "farts" coming from my cubicle, and resisting the urge to yell out, "I'm NOT farting, okay!?!? It's the chair! Seriously, I stole Matilda's chair, and that's why all these noises are suddenly coming from over here. IT'S THE CHAIR!!"

So, there I sit all day, stewing in humiliating amusement. Here are two things that make this story worse:

1.) No one else in The Cube has a leather chair, so no one else makes these sounds at all- ever!

2.) You know how when you make a sound with your foot, or your mouth, or your hair(?) that sounds like a farting sound, and just to make sure no one thinks you've farted you do it again- so they can see, "Oh, she didn't fart, that's just her hair." Well, the chair will not fart-sound on command! Try as I might- all I get is one loud-ass rip, and then 98 minutes of silence. Another loud-ass rip, and then 2 hours of silence. It's terrible- it's quite pitiable.

So, really I should just return the chair to her, but it's SOOOO comfortable. She comes back from maternity leave in 2 weeks. Man! I wish I'd swiped it 2.5 months ago. I've already caught myself thinking absurd things like, "Well, if she's been gone for three months, maybe she won't remember which chair was hers and she'll think she sat in my chair all along." Or worse, "Well, it's not like she's pregnant now. I mean sure, she needed it then because she was pregnant, but when she comes back she'll have already had her baby."

Christ! Who raised me? Savages?!?