I'm Kinda Cute in the Face

It's true. We're all adults here. We can deal with this. I'm kinda sexy.

How do I know? People tell me. Now, that in and of itself is not remarkable. It makes me giddy, but it's not remarkable. What is remarkable about my face cuteness? People screaming it from passing cars. Uhm- that's noteworthy, and thrilling enough for me to shoot my mom a text!

So, sitting at a red light the woman in the next car over asks me for directions. I tell her, and as the light changes for them to turn, they don't turn. The driver looks over at me, and the woman leaning out the window pauses and says, "If no one's told you today, you are sexy as hell!" And before I could even respond to thank her, they pull off and move on into their day.

First step: Roll down all windows in the car, to make room for the imminent head swelling.

I was on a cloud for the rest of the day. And, I wondered why. She wasn't the only person who'd told me that they found me attractive. In fact, she wasn't the only person that day. Unlike other folks who say something crass/complimentary from another car, she actually figured out how to engage me before she told me.

But, what really got me was that she told me she thought I was attractive and didn't need anything back from me. Most people who tell me that they think I'm attractive want something from me. Maybe for me to think that they are attractive too? Maybe for me to talk with them, or to want to spend time with them, or for me to drop my guard so that they can evaluate whether I'm worth getting to know. So, ironically, someone telling me that they think I'm attractive throws my guard up.

"What do they want from me?"

Even when they don't say it with their words, but in how they interact with me, I'm thrown into wondering what this person wants from me. It can't be just that they find themselves attracted to me, how I look, how I think- I'm kinda fun to be around. But, as soon as it looks like someone thinks I'm physically attractive I start scrutinizing them and I get really defensive.

There are women who work with me who have offices of their own, no overlapping job functions, really no reason to talk with me, yet they hang around my cubicle for 20-30 minute chunks of time and I can see them trying to pull out more reasons to stretch out the conversation in that awkward and embarrassing way that 7th grade girls do. The guys just pal around with me and goof off with jokes and things, but women will stammer and pause, and then throw out something that's a new potential topic for conversation.

What's that about?

Probably my inability to trust people and being hyper-vigilant about trying to constantly discern what people want from me, so that I can decide if I'm willing to give it or not. Probably that.