I'm Not Jewish Anymore!!!

Thanks Belief-o-Matic!

This test was all the rage when I was in seminary; at least for a couple of months. I remember taking it and thinking meticulously through each question and what it really meant to respond to answers about the nature of god, divinity, humanity, and creation. Painstaking consideration went into every answer. The result: 100% Reform Judaism.

WHAT!?!? Uhm- I'm clergy. I don't think you get any more Christian than that belief-o-matic! But, at the same time I felt some strange sense of pride in my results. Who knows why? But, something about having realized that you could fully remove Jesus from the equation and my faith wouldn't be impacted just a few weeks prior to taking the quiz may have had something to do with it.

I woke up in bed with some woman, and I was uncomfortable, so we talked theology. (Seminarians are quirky...) So, at some point the conversation turned to our personal theologies, and why we still maintained our Christianity. It was a long chat, but I remember telling her that I could be fully convinced that this whole Jesus thing was a hoax, we could find definitive evidence that some guys got drunk a few centuries ago and decided to pull a prank that just got out of hand. The Jesus thing, big joke. My faith would remain unchanged.

Admittedly, by that point I had spent so many class hours discovering historical-critical redaction tools, ensuring that whatever I read I did my best to read it in context, that the Jesus I came in with had been so thoroughly demystified and recontextualized that it would be fair to say that Jesus had already been removed from my Christianity. So, that may be why I felt a sense of pride in my results. What's Christianity when you remove Jesus? Judaism. (kinda) I mean, we are just an overgrown sect of Judaism.

In any case, I retook the test a few times to get different results, kept coming up Jew. I laughed about it, asked some friends to come with me to the gay synagogue, and went on with my life.

A few years out of seminary, I retook the test, and came up as a mainline Protestant. OMG!! NOOOOoooooooo!!!!!!! Retook it a couple of times, and kept the same result. I felt so, I don't know... reabsorbed? And went on with my life. I don't think my religious views are mainline Protestant, but whatever.

So, today as I sat on my couch procrastinating I decided to check in with belief-o-matic. Where do I land these days, o magic 8-ball of faith interpretation. UU. Huh. You know, I think I am. Not the crunchy granola new agey, hippy-dippy, UU. Uhm, I'm a bit too pretentious for THAT bullshit! But, the "everyone must find their own path, whether that be straight, winding, organized, or clearly self-directed" kind of UU that has respect for a wide range of religious/spiritual experiences. Yeah, I think I'm a UU. I like how diverse UU is, and people with so many faith backgrounds, past and present, sit next to each other in a community of faith.

It's always been really important to me that my children were exposed to a wide range of faith experiences so that they could understand how to construct what they needed from religion. I guess if I went to a UU church, they could learn and do that while developing bonds and meaningful relationships.

UU huh? Yeah, for the first time, I think that's me. (Plus they're good with the queers.)


1. Unitarian Universalism (100%)
2. Neo-Pagan (94%)
3. Reform Judaism (89%)
4. Liberal Quakers (85%)
5. New Age (83%)
6. Mahayana Buddhism (81%)
7. Mainline to Liberal Christian Protestants (81%)
8. Scientology (79%)
9. New Thought (77%)
10. Theravada Buddhism (76%)

Chocolate Chex

Smells like toe-funk, tastes like chocolate. Well, "smells like toe-funk, and it turns your milk brown, too!" is probably a more honest descriptor.

Just opened up a box for some sugary breakfast, and thought that it smelled like toe funk..

I'm eating it right now.

I'm Getting Married!!

Probably not soon, but who knows? That depends on circumstances that I have decided to relinquish and give over to the universe.

Remember Cinderella? Ok, I don't. I mean, I think I do, but I'm fairly certain that I have something wrong. So, remember when Cinderella lost her glass slipper, and she put out the ad that said she would marry whoever could bring it to her, and the prince showed up...

Ahh... okay, no- it was princey. The prince was all mesmerized with the masked woman, and HE put out the add that he would marry whoever could fit into the glass slipper. Yeah, that makes more sense. Why would some pauper-girl be all, "Yes, yes, yes, I am prepared to marry you, but here's the contest." No haps

Maybe I remembered it that way because I feel more like Cinerella than a dashing prince at the moment. In any case- I'm getting married. And the premise is just as absured as "the first woman who shows up with a size 6.5




So, I remembered last night that I am a HUGE fan of spumoni. HUGE!! And I was looking at pictures of the delectable delight, when I came across THIS!!!!!

Is that a spumoni truffle? Why yes it is. YES IT IS!!!

The person who can bring me a case of these gets my hand in marriage. (Initially I was just thinking one, but why sell myself short?)

Spumoni truffle!! MMMMmmmmm!!!

I'm still lactose intolerant though. So, the honeymoon may not be as romantic as they'd envisioned.





And, actually now that I think about it. You could probably actually have me for good tiramisu.



And, I've been planning for awhile to have a black forest wedding cake.



Maybe I need to marry a pastry chef? Or someone who appreciates my devotion to flavored multi-textured sugars. (A fat chick?)


Alright, off to the gym, where all the other vain sugar addicts hang out!

Lesbian Phrases I Hate:

10. Let's stay in and eat out.

9. I'm vegan.

8. Have you seen (insert obscure indie foreign film)?

7. I have a cat.

6. I don't care what anyone says, Tevas still look great!

5. What do you think of my new haircut?

4. I'm torn, should I get a Prius or an Outback?

3. Obama, blah, blah, blah...

2. My roommate (lease), blah, blah, blah... so I think it makes more sense to just move in with you.

1. You know I date men, right?

My Neighbor Rehabs Houses

And I need money. So, while he was jumping my battery for me, I told him that I can help him out from time to time.

"What can you do?"

[uhm...panic! think quick brains!!]

"Oh, I paint and lay tile."

[Nice work brains!!!]

It's true, actually. I have done those things. I've done them rehabbing houses even. I've ripped out and replaced sinks. I've hung doors. Laid down hardwood. I do it all sister.

Well, I did about 10 years ago. A few months ago, I painted my apartment. Uhm- let's just say, my skills have atrophied, and I now remember things like why it's important to wash your brushes completely, AND why it matters if there is "just a little" water left in the sponge.

So- standing outside with my neighbor helping me to bring life back to my dead car, I told him that I'm willing to help him out from time to time.

Note to self: Make sure that he pays me in advance.

Yeah- I Procrastinate. I'll Work On It Later

So- I didn't get much done today. Or yesterday. Or the day before that. Or, ... It's been awhile since I've done anything.

I did learn that I need to buy a new car today. I learned that when my car wouldn't start. No big deal if your car won't start. No big whoop.

But, my car started just fine after being parked in the snow for a month; started right up. Sat there for a month, and a 8 inches of ice covered my car from bumper to bumper. And, it started up just fine thank you very much. Today? Today it doesn't start.

So, something strange happened to my trunk. The ice that covered my trunk worked its way into the crack between the car and the part of the trunk that opens. My trunk has 2 inches of daylight between the car and the trunk when it's closed. The seal in perfect near the latch, but the closer you get to the back windshield, the greater this gap grows. So, my trunk doesn't close properly.

I was talking to some folks about it today, and none of them had ever heard of such a thing. I left my car parked in the snow for a month, and now my trunk is broken. Odd.

So, blah, blah, blah, my trunk is hard to close, okay. I took my friend grocery shopping yesterday, and we put his groceries in the trunk. When I got home, I couldn't close my trunk no matter how had I slammed it.

"Okay, I'll just leave it like this and take care of it in the morning."

Funny thing. I get up to move my car (alternate side parking), and it won't start. Nothing. Completely dead. The only light that's on is the yellow icon on my dash indicating that my trunk is open. No way! No WAY! That little light being on all night has killed my battery? No way!

"Fine, I'll close it."

Oh that it were so simple. So, the trunk that I couldn't close, now is frozen closed, and I can't get it open. Pull the latch, use the key, whatever you like- it's not locked, but it will NOT open.

Uhm- grrrrr?

So, I flag down my neighbor, get a jump, and drive around for an hour trying to charge my battery. (I would have just replaced the battery, but any service shops were closed, and I was nervous about driving too far from my house and having a car that may not start.) So, I drive around for an hour, check a few gas stations to buy jumper cables, and come back home. All of this was suppose to be a trip to a coffee shop to get some work done.

I drove to a coffee shop. Sat in the parking lot for a few minutes trying to decide if I thought my car would start when I got out, and decided not to risk it. Drove home, parked on the other side of the street, and turned off my car.

Would it restart? Uhm- not even close.

So, here I sit in my living room, and I think I'm going to buy a new car: