Cubicle Etiquette:

Okay: Let's get this out in the open. I work in a cubicle. I've heard people refer to them with various terminologies, like "cubicle jungle." I kinda like "cube farm." But, when I'm talking about my workspace in our department, I call our area, "The Cube." In my mind, it's reminiscent of Trech, "If you've never been to the ghetto, don't ever come to the ghetto, cuz you wouldn't understand the ghetto, so stay the fuck out the ghetto!"

Now, I know that no one else makes that association, but I do, so I like to call our area "The Cube."

"What are you doing down here in The Cube? Don't you have an office with a window?"

I will admit that I was a little bit embarrassed about not having an office, and being relegated to The Cube. I mean, as a graduate assistant sure- cubicle. But, as a professional lesbian? Then I realized- cubicles today don't necessarily signify what they did when I was growing up. Today, you can earn $73,500 a year while sitting in a cubicle; you just have a nicer desk, and real wood cabinets, and a pretty cool computer. So, [deep breath] I work in a cubicle.

It's actually not that bad, except for a few things:

1.) Personal Calls:
If you're taking a personal call, keep it down. Quite honestly, I don't care that much about your husband's prostate, your grandchild's "acting up" in school, or what kind of hi-jinx you and the girls got into last night. Take your calls, I'm cool with it, just keep it down. I'm trying to play Tetris over here, and your loud ass conversation is fucking up my rhythm.

2.) Scents:
Please, please, puh-lease put away the Bath and Body Works lotions. No, no one wants to be ashy. I certainly don't want the files to be all bloody because your crocodile hands are ripping open all over the place. BUT! Let's keep it real, you are sitting 2.7 feet away from me "separated" by a 1 inch felt partition that doesn't even go all the way up to the ceiling. Have some consideration, lady!

3.) Don't Come Around Here Asking All Loud If I Want To Contribute To Shit!
I don't appreciate you utilizing peer pressure and normative expectations to get me to give you money. Just like everyone else, I got the e-mail telling me to come by if I wanted to contribute and that you were the contact person. You didn't see me.

I don't appreciate you trying to peer pressure/shame me into changing my mind by being all loud and shit.

"Hey! Today's the last day to contribute, I just wanted to give you an opportunity to give something!" (Loud)

"Oh sorry! I don't have any cash" (Now, keep it moving!) "Thanks for asking though!" (Loud)

4.) Don't Knock:
In The Cube, there are several lego-locked cubicles, and I can't tell if you are knocking on my entrance-way, the adjacent cubicle, whether someone has bumped into the wall, or if someone is just walking by and tapping on the wall as they move through. So, I've become conditioned to turn around and check with every bump and creek. Do you have any idea how many bumps and creeks there are through the day? A lot.

5.) Don't Sneak Up On Me:
My back is turned to the entrance of my cube, and countless times I've turned around to find someone right up on me(like so close that I should feel their body heat), and I have no idea how long they've been standing there. Luckily, I work fairly hard, so I've never been caught fucking around, but sneaking up on me is still inappropriate.

(Actually, that's probably why I reflexively turn around with every bump or creek.) Just say my name. I can hear you. Think of it as someone with their office door open and respect my cubicle space bitchez!

6.) Walk Around:
Yes, we are all within earshot of each other; especially those of us with loud voices. But, don't holler out to me from 3 cubicles away. Get up off your ass and walk around. I'm not going to answer you. If you really are walk-averse, that's cool. Pick up your phone and call my extension, and then speak in a reasonable tone; by "reasonable tone" I mean use your inside voice.

6.) Don't Call People Out, Damn!:
"Birget is that you?!? I was just going to call you to make sure that you were okay!" Yes, Heike, now we all know that Birget was late. Thank you for putting her business on blast like that. Cuh-rist! How petty can you be? We all know that you don't like Birget. Stop tripping.

7.) Turn Down Your Radio
Sure, we can all use some inspiration to get through the day, but Honeychile... I do NOT need to listen to you hum-singing "His Eye is on the Sparrow" never never again.