My Ass!

I find that I say it a lot. If I really disagree with something, almost reflexively out pops, "My Ass!" It's disagreement mixed with disdain.

I'm not sure exactly why, "my ass" is synonymous with vehement disagreement, but it is in my mind. Not just, "ass," or "fuckin' ass!" No, "my ass." If you hear me say it, that means I disagree with you.

So, I have a strange relationship with my ass. I'm a little disappointed in her. I used to be a HUGE fan of my ass. It was firm and taught, and perky, kinda muscular actually. More than once in life I thought about trying to bounce a quarter off of it.

I remember the first time I saw a woman in a club break it down and make her ass jiggle like a (there's no word to describe the experience of watching a professional ass jiggle) motor?

I was so excited that when I got home that night I stood in front of the mirror and tried to make my ass jiggle. "Whew- okay... just relax. She probably just learned how to relax her ass muscles over time and that's how she makes it jiggle... reelaaaaaax." I learned over the next few years that my ass could jiggle, but it didn't have a damn thing to do with whether I was relaxed or tense.

So, over time and with a lot of hard effort, I lost some of my jiggleableness. Uh- but now my ass is flat. Flu-at. Nasitol? That's me.

So, I'm a little embarrassed and ashamed of her. I used to get ass compliments. Now, I just try not to sit on anything hard, because I wonder if my pelvic bones are causing nerve damage to my glutes from the pressure of pinching them between two hard surfaces. I hope there's mucus, or some other natural lining to keep my pelvis from bisecting my ass.

I can't tell if it's just from getting older. But, when I look out, I don't see other Black women with saggy butt-cheeks. I see asses that make me think about moving my body like a cyclone.

No more ass... just back with a crack... Honestly, it makes me wonder if I'm mixed heritage.

I wish I knew what to do! I thought about doing squats, but then I felt all embarrassed in the gym, like people are thinking, "Awww... Bless her heart. Look at that flat-assed Black woman over there trying to bulk-up in the back."

I remember I was talking to my mom a few months ago, and I was telling her how upset I was that my ass was gone. And in pure mom-fashion, she cut straight to the heart of the issue.

Mom: "Have you been running?"

Me: "Yes."

Mom: "Well, that's where you ass went."