Arrogance?

I used to get called arrogant a lot when I was a little kid. (Do you still read this Mom?) Mostly by my mom, and the degree to which it didn't bother me was the degree to which I believed her.

But, I had a conversation yesterday that led me to re-examine the whole concept of arrogance.

So, there is this woman who likes me. She's attractive, but not my type. She's pursuing an advanced degree in an interesting field, so I thought, "conversation partner!!!" (Ka-ching bitchez, Ka-ching!)

But, dig a little deeper, and she's pursuing a degree in a program that neither challenges nor stimulates her, precisely because it will be an easy degree to obtain.

She understands a Ph.D. as a fairly simple degree that doesn't actually involve new learning, but a willingness to jump through a series of administrative hoops. (I agree with the latter far more than the former, or maybe the former is related to the absence of "new learning" but a refinement and... fuck that! I really can't wrap my mind around an advanced degree in which a selling point is that you are not actually learning anything unless you work in the field, have worked in the field for many years, and just need the boost that a degree provides without the sacrifice of time. Then, maybe okay, but not when you are in your twenties and you plan to contribute scholarly work to the field.)

"People who want something more from an advanced degree just don't know how to use the library." [Slow nod of feigned agreement]

This conversation recast past conversations and frustrations with people in my life who have had advanced degrees from "real schools", but seemed incapable of critical thought. Not people who were hostile to me, or uninterested in engaging me; no, people who attempted to engage ideas with me but were always three, five, eight steps behind. It frustrates me. In fact, it frustrates the hell out of me. And, sometimes I get brash, but even if I don't make it all the way to acerbic, my speech gets clipped and sharpened, my posture becomes more aggressive, and I feel either antagonistic or like the other person is a waste of my time and efforts. I feel this way, because I'm convinced that they could be an active participant in the conversation if they would "just try."

The woman I spoke with is studying and researching the sociological implications of gender-identification, but herself has a very rigid binary construction of gender expression, which to me translates as "unexamined." Further, she told me her perceptions around how I do gender, I told her, "No, I identify as..." But, then she attempted to correct me and told me, "No, you're..."
"That's clothing. But I'm..."
"No, you're ...because..."


Right then and there I wanted to block her from ever being able to invade my day by inserting herself into my IM field of view. "Get the hell outta my inbox lady! You don't even know my last name!"


But, out of some morbid curiosity I decided to press on. I asked questions about what she saw, (during the two times we shared space), and what that signified to her. It was interesting that what she noted wasn't at all representative of me- at all. I mean, if you had to force, and I mean force me into a stereotype, but big ol chucks and significant hunks of me are unaccounted for and misrepresented in that pigeon hole.


So, I tried to problemitize gender constructs, and have a discussion about the limitations of a dichotomous worldview. No haps. She got lost. So, I tried to have a discussion about the process and journey of deconstructing how you choose to do gender to reconstruct what actually works for you; even if it looks very much the same you have an awareness of how particular components of gender serve you and how others don't, and at the very least why you do gender in the way that you do. She struggled with what to me felt like remedial concepts even as I kept lowering the bar of expectation.

And, then came the gem of the whole exchange:


"Sometimes I wonder if you have the capacity to accept those who are less complex."


BAM! That is precisely the issue at hand! And that's when I got it for the first time.


My response to her was "certainly, but not as someone that I would ever be romantically interested in, because I need someone who understands what I'm talking about when I talk about what's important to me." I've spread out my psycho-social-emotional needs so that I can stay in relationship with people who aren't able to strive and contend with me in places where it's important to me; I can just enjoy that they are lovable and notice that I love them.



But, being in relationships where I had expectations of people being able to meet my needs, to engage my thinking and play with concepts that were interesting and fun to me, and yet people just didn't (couldn't, cared about me, tried and couldn't), it left me frustrated because they were getting their needs met and I wasn't.


And, when I was a little kid that's what my mom labeled arrogance; expressions of my frustration from not being able to have people stay connected with me in places that were critical to me, and expressions of my resentment for what looked like their unwillingness to spend time with me the way I liked to spend time. I could play their games, but wouldn't/couldn't play mine.

I certainly know that I'm intelligent. I went to seminary for christ's sake! (that's kinda punny, right?) But, in my earnest assessment of my mental acumen I don't honestly believe that I'm smarter than most people. I don't. Not even multiple intelligences smarter- straight up ability to take an idea engage it, reflect upon it, and share what you've developed with someone else, then incorporate what they've said and start the whole process all over again (quickly please, quickly) smart.



And since everyone can think as clearly and crisply as I do, and in the same way that I do if they want to, I get a lot of room to place expectations upon people to meet me in the important spaces of my mind, and then resent them when they don't; particularly when I've already lowered my expectations to "make it easy."



So, I got called arrogant a lot when I was growing up. It was the fatigue and surliness that came of intellectual malnourishment. I still haven't figured out what I need to know about how to have reasonable expectations: a) of how to get my needs met, or 2) what is appropriate to expect of other people based on their unique makeup of thinking, feeling, and acting practices.


If I had figured that out, I never would have started this blog.


I know that more people read than comment, and that some folks have told me about reading posts out loud to loved ones, and even kids! But, I think that I started the blog because I needed a place that I could just put my thoughts down and at some level be my own conversation partner, and whatever I get on top of that is gravy.


It's really nice to re-engage the practice of thinking, and to do so in a context that doesn't expect me to stop because someone else can't keep up, or is overwhelmed, or simply bored.


If you're still reading, I love you mom!!