Satisficing not Optimizing

I like it.

I have one more class to select for this term. I've been agonizing over this decision; I suppose in the same way I agonized over ...


Wait a minute! Joe Biden???

He selected Joe Biden!!!

What the fuck?

Hmmm... I've got a few things to think about.

Blogette VIII

Let's say you go to church, and they're giving out ice cream and fudgesicles:

You're still lactose intolerant.

When am I gonna learn?

My stomach...

I Used To Want To Be A Lawyer.

In fact, it's the earliest career that I recall having my heart fixed upon. For years I wanted to be a lawyer. From second or third grade I was fairly committed to being a lawyer. Then, all of a sudden one day I came home as a fifth grader and told my parents that I didn't want to be a lawyer anymore.

My dad took it kinda hard. In fact, from time to time he still reminds me of the days when I wanted to be a lawyer, and asks me what happened.

"Remember the good old days when you would have been done with school by now, and most assuredly would have been gainfully employed and out of my pocket? Remember those days? What happened to those days back in 1984?"

He doesn't actually say that, but that's what I hear. He says, with a light and wistful tone, almost as if he were prompting a flash-back sequence on a made-for-tv-movie, "Remember when you wanted to be a lawyer... [eyes glaze]...What ever happened to that?"

I've stopped telling him, and I just say "I don't know" these days. But, the truth of the matter is that I finally got to talk to an honest to goodness lawyer, and ask him questions about what his workday really was like. And, he answered me honestly when I asked him questions about scruples and ethics when they came into conflict with client obligations, and how that impacted job security/job satisfaction.

I didn't want a job where I would have to argue in support of things I didn't agree with, even if it was only from time to time; just felt like too high of a price to pay. And, the more I talked to him the more it became clear to me that there didn't seem to be a way to structure my career to circumvent these moral crises. The pay didn't seem worth it. I didn't want to be a lawyer anymore.

Oddly, from that day to this, I've always had people in my life who have been convinced that I would make a great lawyer, and have attempted to persuade me to "at least consider" law. I'm old enough to be jaded at this point, and I'm far from an idealist, but today I don't want to be a lawyer because I don't like conflict, I don't like breaking down other people, I don't like calling upon my abilities to be a disruptive and dominating force in order to conquer my opponent.

I think I ascribe to practices of intellectual non-violence. Huh. I guess that's where non-violence landed...

Anyway, it's been years since I've made the decision to dominate and conquer someone else's thinking in order to create room for myself. I don't like how it feels to "defeat" someone.

But, from time to time I think about law school; typically after someone has fucked me over, and I wish I were better positioned to defend myself.

Yesterday I got a call from my new dentist's office manager. She informed me that the $40 I paid to have a tooth fixed was charged incorrectly, and I now am responsible for an additional $279. At the end of a very heated discussion, she left me with the options to pay it or have it sit on my credit.

You BITCH!!

In that moment I wished to God that I was a lawyer. But, then I found a lawyer who would represent on this menial bullshit. At the end of our meeting I realized that I have absolutely NO interest in the practice of law. The shit is so unappealing across a spectrum of absurdities (Uhm... ACLU!)

I don't want to be a lawyer. I want to have a lawyer, especially when people run bullshit on me.

It was a wonderful revelation to finally understand that I don't actually want to take care of the shit myself when I'm mistreated, and learn all aspects of the law in order to protect myself and my loved ones; hawkishly protect us. Nah! I just want enough money to pay someone who specializes in that shit so that I can live the life I want to live, and not be disrupted because of someone else's stupidity.

The downside to this liberative realization, however, is that I know way down deep in the recesses of my memory that I never wanted to go to school. I never wanted to go to college; at least not when I went. Graduate school? Not really. Meh.

All of this shit is because I'm convinced that the world needs to be better for me and people like me. So, where can I contribute to creating the resources and support that I would have needed? It's not how I think about it, but my actions are thoroughly rooted in "being the change I want to see in the world". "We are the ones we've been waiting for." Inside my mind it sounds far more pessimistic, like "If I don't do it, no one will," or, "No one else gives a shit," or, "No one else can (wants to) do it, so I guess I have to." You know, shit like that.

I don't actually want to be an academic with 30 years of schooling under my belt. (I SO wish that number were a hyperbole!) If the world were safe for and supportive of little black girls, I don't know that I ever would have applied to anyone's graduate program.

I would have been a professional soccer player. I would travel around the country on a bus with 30 other women who love sport and athleticism, and give each other shit, and revel in camaraderie and the thrill of victory and the agony of defeat. And at least once in my life, at least once, I would score a goal with a bicycle kick! At the end of the day you go to sleep and you start over again.

Why am I getting a Ph.D? Because the world is too fucked up for me to be a professional soccer player. Any questions?

Would I have made it? Yeah, I was damn good!!

Food

I need to change my relationship to food.

That's not new information. It's not even new to me. But, it certainly is frustrating in new and endless ways. I haven't had food in my fridge that didn't come out of a styrofoam container for a few weeks. Last night, around 8, I had a craving for some of my own cooking.

So, I hopped in my car and drove down to the super-cool/everyone's favorite grocery store to check out the goods and buy some different kinds of sausage. (It's an oddity that I'm an American, and my mom cooked regular American fare, but when I'm hungry and I want a good meal, it consists of sausage, noodles, and gravy. It's very German. I don't know where that shit comes from, but if I'm grocery shopping while hungry, pretty much all I feel like I need is sausage>)

So, only buying "a few things" yesterday, I ended up with a grocery bill that was nearly $100. Now, I had one of those mini carts that split into a top and bottom section. I only had groceries in the top section. (Well, I bought a sonicare replacement and a baking dish now that I think about it- but still $55!)

I was very intentional- since I was starving hungry and know my inclinations. I only bought healthy food, no junk, no sugar.

I made some turkey, and baked it with broccoli, potatoes, bell peppers, and fresh basil. I added a cream sauce, and blah, blah, blah. It was good, not great, but good. (All I wanted was sausage and pasta, maybe some asparagus.)

So, now here I sit. I warmed up some of the leftovers. Not great. So, I ate a bowel of cereal- the healthy shit that I forced myself to buy. Not great- so I didn't finish it.

Yesterday I went to the grocery store and spent $100. Tonight, I'm starving hungry and there's absolutely nothing in the house that I want to eat.

I need to stop buying the food that I "should" eat, and start buying the food that I will eat.

What's the point of going to bed hungry with these superfoods in my cabinets?

PhDs are Dumb!

The nouns I mean; persons, places, and things.

I spent a lot of time thinking about what it means to call someone or something "dumb" a few years ago. I say that things are dumb a lot. (I can't remember if I've written about this already. I feel like I have. Hmmm...)

So, when people call something "dumb" or "stupid", all they are actually saying is that they would have preferred that you'd done it differently. Further, they believe that you should have known anticipated that preference, and would like you to feel shame and/or embarrassment over it. That's all that it means to call something dumb; my preferences were not met. It takes the sting out of it when I look at it that way. I didn't act in accordance with someone's preferences. (That's gonna keep happening.)

Also, it's a nice check when I'm frustrated with someone else's "stupidity". They just aren't acting in keeping with my preferences. Uhm... that's gonna keep happening.

So, PhD programs... They're dumb.

They're dumb mostly because I want them to be something that I took care of in my twenties. They're dumb because it took me a long and meandering road to figure out what/how I wanted to plug into my career as an academic. They're dumb because they don't have an expedited path for folks like me when we feel like we need to learn as much as possible as quickly as possible and get on with our lives!!!!!

PhDs are dumb because I feel old.

PhDs are dumb because I have fewer and fewer opportunities to be "the youngest..." to accomplish something, so maybe I'm left with trying to pull off blazing speed. "No one has ever completed a PhD in 11 months before!"

Also, PhDs are dumb because they isolate you, bash your brains about, and then spit you out into a pool of socially awkward academics who are used to being able to have other people feel bad about themselves, assuming that they must be the awkward ones since Dr. Suchandso is just so intelligent. Smart? yup. Socially awkward too.

I'm remembering that I started a PhD about 4 years ago. It was the least challenging degree of my academic career, so it felt like a waste of time. I walked away after a year.

So, I don't think I actually want a fast-track PhD, or I would have just snatched up that one. I guess I just feel old, and I'm used to being on the other side of the learning curve.

Maybe I'll go date an older woman and feel better about myself.

1 Pair of Shoes

I feel compelled to buy shoes, like a crack addict feels compelled to sell AA batteries. I can't help myself, it's as if a power beyond my comprehension is guiding my actions. When you count them up my shoes usually number somewhere in the 50's. I remember where I was when I bought each pair, the time that it took to make the decision, the factors that I considered, and what I hoped that having the shoes would add to my fashion expression.

It's not uncommon for me to go on a two-day trip and bring 3 or more pairs of shoes. But, when I moved, I had A LOT less closet space, actually a lot less space period, so I started giving away my things.

(When I was in 3rd grade, the A-Team was the hotness, and as a spin-off Mr. T had a Saturday morning cartoon. The premise was absurd, it was Mr. T and a couple of white kids (who were gymnasts) traveling the nation fighting crime with their dog. What the fuck was that?!? Couldn't do that show any other way, even in the 80's it HAD to be a cartoon.

In any case, during the breaks Mr. T would insert his own "One To Grow On" moments. (They were part of the show, rather than during the commercial breaks.) One show was on giving, and Mr. T took the break to explain that it's not giving if you just get rid of a bunch of stuff you don't want. Who the hell wants all your shit that you don't want? So, when you give away clothes, or toys, or whatever you give, be sure to include some things that you still want, because that's what it means to give.)

Okay- so for a third grader, that really hit home, and I could think of all of the times that people gave me shitty, or broken, or old used up stuff that they thought I would/should be happy to get. So, when I would give away my clothes, or toys, or whatever I made sure that I gave away things that were still in good condition; things that I would want. From that day to this, evert time I give away my stuff, I make sure that I include things that I still want.

So, clothes...

Because of my move, I've been giving away my clothes, and my shoes (maybe 20 pairs of shoes- it burns, it burns!!!) But, the funny thing is that for the past 3 weeks, maybe longer, I've worn only 1 pair of shoes. Every day.

They're brown.

Sometimes they don't even match what I'm wearing, like today when I'm wearing a black shirt. Don't care much. It's Friday. I'm going to hook up with some queers later today. I need then to think that I'm cute and introduce me to their sexy friends. Plus! There's bound to be some sexy, "I just moved here too ladies, and it's helpful to be seen as a lesbian with some fashion sense about her.

Still don't too much give a shit.


Hmmm... I hope I'm not becoming granola!

That's So Random!

So, for most of my life I've thought that I have all of these random and absurd thoughts that just "come from nowhere!"

One of the cool things I've learned by blogging is that my thoughts aren't random at all. In fact, there are reflective of what I've thought before, what's going on around me, and are by in large extensions of previous thinking.

Soup nazi- seems like something totally random, but actually if you look at what I was thinking about before then, it's a logical association to make.

It's happened a couple of other places too. These thoughts aren't at all random. It's like being an output for subliminal messages. But, they aren't subliminal, I've simply forgotten where the association came from.

Guerrilla marketing runs off of the same principles. Expose you to a stimulus in a way that isn't as overt as mainstream advertising, and in the end, you're left with a desire for a particular product or item, but since you don't recall where the pairing with the idea came from, you assume that it must be internal and it's just yours.

I expose myself to lots of stimuli each and every day, so there is plenty of fodder for thinking and reacting. But, the biggest influence on my future thoughts is my current and previous thinking.

In fact, if you want to know what tomorrow's obscure reference will be, just listen to today's conversation.