I'm Becoming One of THOSE People!!

You know, the gross ones! The "nasty-asses" of the world. The ones that you tell stories about, that leave you with a grimace on your face, as everyone around you stands aghast and says,"Eww, why the fuck would anyone DO that!?!?" THAT person is me.

Now, let me tell you. I never intended to be that person. I've been just as grossed out by them as the next person. In fact, I have an incredibly weak stomach, so sometimes these people have made me throw up in my mouth a little bit. These people are gross. They are disgusting. They make me sick-- literally, and I am slowly morphing into one of them. It's disturbing, to say the least.

So-I'm hanging out at a coffee shop.

Hmmm... I think this Ph.d. program has something to do with it. I enjoyed the slow descent into "bum". There's something kinda alluring about neglecting my personal appearance, and not sacrificing anything as a consequence. No "looks" from other people at work. No impact on my self-esteem when people aren't initially responding to me in the way that I'm accustomed to. They ask me what I do, and suddenly all of the judgement in their faces melts away, and I get a "bum-pass."

"Ahh... I was going to clutch my purse with a death-grip, but you're a Ph.D student. Hmmm... let's chat politics."

So- I'm morphing into a person that I don't recognize. But, not just physically. I'm becoming gross. Really fucking gross. Gross doesn't convey the full meaning, because it's become cliche. I'm am kinda disgusting. (At least I feel that way right now.) Here's why:

So, I'm hanging out in a coffee shop. And, I'm feeling a little humiliated. I just took a crap in the bathroom. Yeah, it's the only bathroom here, blah, blah, blah, but that's not why I feel humiliated. Although a few months ago, that would have been more than enough to do it.

So, I went to pee, and HAD to take a crap. Bada-bing! Bada-bang! DONE! And then I realized that what appeared to be toilet paper on the roll was 4 squares. FOUR squares!!!

"Uhm shit!" (literally)

So- now panic sets in. I can't very well, walk out ask for toilet paper, and then head back into the bathroom to finish up. (SHIT!!)

So, I panic a bit more, and realize the longer I stay in the worse this situation becomes (at least in my own mind). Oh, did I mention that I'm at the coffee shop with the barista who always gives me free shit? No more free snickerdoodle cookies, or "hey try this" feels like it's imminent.

OK- so the amplified shame of shitting up the bathroom with the extra-nice barista on the job is running through my mind, when it hits me.

Paper towels are my only option. AY ME!!!

So, I use a couple of paper towels, and I realize that I can't flush it down the toilet... That's right! Garbage can. I just took a shit, wiped myself with paper towels, and then threw them in the garbage.

AAAAAUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

That's right. Preserved it, for posterity sake.

So, I wash my hands, and realize that as I walk out- there's no toilet paper. I don't want to walk out and ask for more toilet paper after I wiped and threw my shit away in the garbage can!! The barista won't give up the toilet paper- she HAS to go in and change the roll herself. FUCK!

So, I walk out, and can't decide how long to wait before I tell her that I used up all the toilet paper. 5 minutes? "Oh! I just remembered..." after 10 minutes?

So, as I sat here writing, someone else came in and went to use the bathroom, and of course noticed that there was no toilet paper. And of course the super nice barista went in to change it- even though the woman protested. And, of course thought whatever thought you think when someone takes a shit, but doesn't tell you that they used up all the toilet paper.

"What the fuck?"

So, now, hours from now, when she has to take out the garbage, and it wreaks of shit when she gathers the sides of the bag, she will know that it was me.

"Why on earth would someone DO that!?!"

Today that someone is me.

Actually, she probably won't even notice. My shit smells refreshing, like beets. It is still completely embarrassing though. What has become of me?

Now I have to find somewhere else to have coffee.