I'm Body Imagist.

Weight oppressive? I'm so ____ist that I don't even know the word for it!

So, my metabolism is all screwy, and my medication has changed recently; leaving me exhausted. Certainly, there is enough going on in my life to leave any healthy black lesbian exhausted, but my fatigue is exacerbated by these changes as well.

So, as my energy diminishes, I have been craving raw sugar. HARD!

I couldn't figure out what was going on until last night. I have been to two different bakeries in the last week to get pastries. I got in my car at 9pm last night to run down some baklava; honey drenched baklava. I've even eaten those sugar cinnamon pretzels at the mall and in the airport. I never eat those things, never.

So, my energy is going down and my body is craving sugar to compensate. Here's how I know that I've got some body image issues: every time I have one of those pastries in my hot little hands, suddenly I'm surrounded by obese women. I don't know where they were before I bought it, but as soon as I have it, that's ALL I can see. Obese women surrounding me.

It's my fate if I eat these almond paste cookies.

Who knows where all of this crap comes from? A big chunk of it got in there being socialized as a girl and all of the body consciousness that gets slung at us from a very young age. But, what's up with thinking that I will become morbidly obese if I eat sugar? And, why are obese women all that I can see when I have a pastry in my hand?

Where do they go before and after? And what happens to all the other people walking around?

It reminds me of psychology classes, and learning that memory is not a record of events, but rather an interpretation. Our current perceptions are not actual records of what is going on either, but highly subjective interpretations themselves. And, as conditions shift (we become scared, or hopeful, or enraged, or develop empathy for someone) our interpretations of our surroundings shift as well.

And, when this shift happens we can see "what's really going on". Nope, although that's what we think. Actually, it's just another layer in our interpretation of events.

I'm exhausted. I'm too tired to exercise (for which I blame myself for being lazy). And, as my metabolism is exogenously diminished, my body is craving sugar like its survival is dependant upon it.

Probably. Probably, I have a lot going on right now, and I'm beating myself up over it. I don't hate on overweight folks, I just don't want to become obese. (Being overweight is really uncomfortable; Really uncomfortable to me.)

So, I think I'll take it a little easier on myself, AND I just may have that piece of baklava in my fridge for breakfast.