Hospitaliano

Really just hospitality, but the Olive Garden's term is like a superlative version of the word in my mind.

So, it's about 7:30 am, and I'm in someone's guest bedroom (2 x 1) while I visit a prospective school. It's been interesting to notice how distinct the culture of each program is. This one is big on support and connection, which is great. But, one of the ways that has manifested is that most of my waking hours are accounted for and spent with someone during the visit.

My hosts, who are great, are early risers- so I have early morning companionship. Then, I'm taken to campus, where I'm met by program emissaries, and taken to my first meeting. The meeting goes well, and is brought to conclusion by a kind soul who has shown up to walk me to my next meeting.

This process continues until lunch, where I leave my most recent appointment to find a group of students (my lunch companions waiting for me), and one of the staff members holding my coat so that I wouldn't have to go pick it up. (Hospitality, right?)

So, we lunch, and I'm walked back into the care of someone else, this process continues until dinner, which is at someone's home. After dinner, I'm brought home to meet and debrief with my supercool hosts.

Day 1 of the visit has been great. But, here is what I wonder at 7:45 am, heading into Day 2:

"Uhm- when can I take a shit?"

80's/90's Dancers

Ok- so I've been checking out the old school cheese music videos lately, and I was watching some Lisa Lisa & The Cult Jam (The hotness!). Didn't they split up at some point, and The Cult Jam tried to release something on their own? Right? Because Lisa Lisa was holding them back. Uh-huh.

So anyway- some good old, "Lost in Emotion" or (Oh- remember The Jets?!?! "You must have heard it from my best friend..."), and I was noticing the dancers. Clearly gayness shows thru dancing whether we're in acid-washed jeans or in tuxedos dancing next to Madonna. But, I was looking at the dancers and they way that they stuck moves really hard, and in my opinion over-punctuating dance moves. Then I looked at Taylor Dane's video with the two dancers in the background and wondered why of the Chorus Line of folks that must have auditioned, why these two made the final cut.

So, some folks must have gone home wondering why they didn't get the job. Now, I have no idea how the world of professional dance works, but I wondered if folks in the 80's would leave and think that they should beef up their resume.

What would a resume of a professional dancer in the 80's/90's even look like?

Jason "Tron" Williams

Objective: To obtain employment with a troupe that staffs popular music videos across a range of genres.

Education:
Antioch College
Major: Theater
Minor: Eastern European Existentialism

Music Video Experience:

* Debbie Gibson
* Michael Jackson (Thriller- I came out of the ground in the graveyard scene)
* Terrence Trent Darby
* Big Daddy Kane
* Madonna Alternate (Rehearsed the "push-away...and come back"move with her)
* Janet Jackson (Row 13, column 7 dancer in Rhythm Nation)

Proficiencies:
The Prep
Cabbage Patch
Reebok (both hard and soft shoulder roll)
Running Man (I can really sell this one)
Roger Rabbit
Bus Stop

Anything from Cats!
Being pushed and falling to the ground on one hand, while looking into the camera with a pouty face.
Strike a pose, any pose and mean it!
Walking toward the camera, and then turning around to walk away from it.
Walking toward the singer, and then being pushed into a group of other dancers and walking away with them.
*I can take any move, and break it down on cue.

I'm Cuter Than Taylor Dane?

Huh. Not bad.

That was my first thought this morning. "Huh. I guess I'm cuter than Taylor Dane. Not bad." Then I rolled out of bed and went to the bathroom, realizing that I probably have lots of strange and interesting first waking thoughts. I considered keeping a journal to record them (for about .04 seconds) and then decided that would feel like far too much work for a few moments of, "Oh yeah...Ha! That was a funny one." Nah, plus I blog already- so it feels redundant.

Anyway, I'm cuter than Taylor Dane- maybe. 2 things led my sleeping mind to this conclusion whilst I dreamed of whatever I dreamed of. (I thought about a dream diary a couple of times too. Not gonna do that either.)

1. Taylor Dane's Music Producers Think She's Ugly

I was watching TD's video the other night when I was all jacked up on caffeine, and I noticed that the video's quality was kinda poor. Then I watched it again, and realized that the picture quality is fine at the beginning of the video; it's pixelated when the focus of the shot is TD's face. In fact, in some shots it looks like the only part of the screen that's pixelated is her face and hair as she moves across the screen. In the 90's I guess that could pass for, "Look at this cool digital effect!" but today it's pretty clear what's up when I paint you with stage/clown make-up, and blur the screen every time the viewer would focus on your face.

Out of curiosity, I decided to check out one of her other videos to see how she was handled. It's hilarious! They don't pixelate her, they cover her face with her hair for every shot! You don't get a full-on facial shot of TD, which is strange because she's a solo singer. In fact, there's one shot where it looks like they are bringing the camera in for a close-up, regular, standard shot of a solo singer's face in their music video when all of a sudden someone yells, "Hey boys! Back it up, her hair is is a bun, we can't turn on the fan!! Back it up!"

Her producer's think she's ugly. (-gasp-) How embarrassing for her. Also, if anyone out there knows TD, and she never realized this, point her to my blog so that she knows to be ashamed and feel bad, and then come to peace with it.


2. I'm currently ranked #1 in the Sexiness ranking among my friends on Facebook!

My current rank: #1
See my SEXY FRIENDS

Now let's be honest. This is a bit more sophomoric and juvenile and shallow and whatevaaah.... I'm number 1!!! Number 1 bitchezzzzzz!!!!!! And, I have some damn sexy friends. Not too many schleps. Like most human beings, I'm drawn to people that I find attractive, even just to hang out and go to the movies with. My friends are attractive. So, what does that mean? That's right, I'm attractive. Subjective assurances masked as objective verification, but it gets the job done.

So, here's the rub: I thought that this application ranked everyone as number one, and then displayed your friend's rankings. Uhh...nope. It's not the Special Olympics where everyone's a winner. I'm number one.

I don't know what that means. Most of my friends don't have the Sexiness application? Most of those that do are too progressive(?) to use it? I have no idea- all of that comparative attractiveness stuff gets really confusing really quickly.

But, what I can tell is that a tiny piece of my self-esteem has become attached to my current ranking. And, I will have to renegotiate these feelings if I fall to number two, or three, or God-forbid 11! (I wish there were some way to vote for yourself so that I could boost my ranking if I fell.) I can tell both that it's silly, and that it rubs up against my narcissism.

So, overnight my sleeping mind must have pulled together some thoughts and concerns, and offered me a comfort this morning. The unspoken context is, "Even if your Sexiness rating falls, and your ass stays flat, and your hairline keeps receding, and you get bad breath, and your piss starts to smell like ammonia, and ..." at least I'm cuter than Taylor Dane.

My Ass!

I find that I say it a lot. If I really disagree with something, almost reflexively out pops, "My Ass!" It's disagreement mixed with disdain.

I'm not sure exactly why, "my ass" is synonymous with vehement disagreement, but it is in my mind. Not just, "ass," or "fuckin' ass!" No, "my ass." If you hear me say it, that means I disagree with you.

So, I have a strange relationship with my ass. I'm a little disappointed in her. I used to be a HUGE fan of my ass. It was firm and taught, and perky, kinda muscular actually. More than once in life I thought about trying to bounce a quarter off of it.

I remember the first time I saw a woman in a club break it down and make her ass jiggle like a (there's no word to describe the experience of watching a professional ass jiggle) motor?

I was so excited that when I got home that night I stood in front of the mirror and tried to make my ass jiggle. "Whew- okay... just relax. She probably just learned how to relax her ass muscles over time and that's how she makes it jiggle... reelaaaaaax." I learned over the next few years that my ass could jiggle, but it didn't have a damn thing to do with whether I was relaxed or tense.

So, over time and with a lot of hard effort, I lost some of my jiggleableness. Uh- but now my ass is flat. Flu-at. Nasitol? That's me.

So, I'm a little embarrassed and ashamed of her. I used to get ass compliments. Now, I just try not to sit on anything hard, because I wonder if my pelvic bones are causing nerve damage to my glutes from the pressure of pinching them between two hard surfaces. I hope there's mucus, or some other natural lining to keep my pelvis from bisecting my ass.

I can't tell if it's just from getting older. But, when I look out, I don't see other Black women with saggy butt-cheeks. I see asses that make me think about moving my body like a cyclone.

No more ass... just back with a crack... Honestly, it makes me wonder if I'm mixed heritage.

I wish I knew what to do! I thought about doing squats, but then I felt all embarrassed in the gym, like people are thinking, "Awww... Bless her heart. Look at that flat-assed Black woman over there trying to bulk-up in the back."

I remember I was talking to my mom a few months ago, and I was telling her how upset I was that my ass was gone. And in pure mom-fashion, she cut straight to the heart of the issue.

Mom: "Have you been running?"

Me: "Yes."

Mom: "Well, that's where you ass went."

Well, Damn! I Guess You're Right!

My favorite showtune. There's certainly a lot that can be said about it, but I don't know how long the link will be good, so I'll just post it.

Avenue Q - Everyone's a little bit Racist
Uploaded by slzaza

Caffeine is a Drug!

It all started about 9 hours ago, with a completely benign thought. "You know, I bet an espresso with some chocolate would be tasty while I finish up my exam."

Sounds simple enough, right? Yeah, I thought so too.

Unfortunately, it's coming up on 1am, I have to get up for work in 5 hours, and I've just come off of digging up NKOTB songs! "Hangin' Tough... WE'RE ROUGH!!" I spent some time in old school Michael Jackson. (Mamasay Mamasa Mamakusa!!) I added some Facebook friends, and sent out about 15 bazillion e-mails. I posted some ridiculous things on friends' pages, and abused my e-mail provider like an IM utility.

Luckily, I've stopped dancing. But that exam? I bet it would be complete if I hadn't had that damn espresso!